love?

I can honestly say that I have never fallen in love with a guy or girl before. I have liked and lusted but never was truly in love. I can say I came quite close with one guy though, and I think about him and often wonder if maybe I missed the boat, that maybe he was the one.



We actually met at church, he was a good little church boy and I was a purple haired; skull wearing, lime green tights, punk. And I never thought I would have a chance with him, he later told me he felt the same way. He was gorgeous, he could have been a model if he wanted to, blonde hair and blue eyes and he stood over 6' tall and he was a gentleman. After nearly a year of liking each other and attempting to hide it from each other we finally went out. We would spend hours walking around the town together, he was a welcome reprieve from the groping immature guys that I had dated before. Always the gentleman he refused to let me open a door for him, he would reach above me, hold the door then push me in lol.



We didn't share our first kiss until months into our relationship, it actually happened in the rain at 2am. And I have never been kissed even to this day like he would kiss me. I was his first girlfriend but he seemed to know how to do everything. In fact he was the first person to bite me, after trying on some new perfume he leaned over to smell my neck and bit the space between my shoulder and my neck. I melted. But when ever we were making out or kissing and he would try to push me further and I would back away, he would get angry. Telling me that I should know better and to not tempt him and be a slut. I know he was having issues with being sexually attracted to me and knowing that he shouldn't be as he was a good church boy. Eventually I got sick of it and gave up on him.



I hooked up with an ex of mine and regretted every moment of it. After being tempted by Will and never going any further I was sure that I wanted more. And lost my virginity to an old ex. Will and I actually became friends again after a year had passed and I guess confusion on my part I thought he wanted to date again. And even though he didn't want to be with me again, he couldn't hurt my feelings by telling me no. After a repeat of a make out session then being lectured, I angrily said some mean things. And after a fight he walked out, I stood sobbing outside his truck begging him to love me and not leave...



He just looked at me and got in his truck and drove away.

Its been over two years since then and we have been able to become friends. We laugh and joke and flirt with each other. During the summer we even went to the Zoo together, and being together again was just amazing. It was like it used to be between, without a computer screen or 100kms separating us we were just us again. We joked and laughed and poked each other he pushed me around like he always used to. And then I drove home and it never evolved, in fact it went back to the occasional text at best.

I have dreams about him all the time where I tell him I still care for him, but I would never make the first move again. Every time I think about attempting it, I remember the night I stood by myself sobbing as he drove away. If he ever wanted me again I'd jump in a heart beat, but until then I'll stay right here where its safe.