love?

I can honestly say that I have never fallen in love with a guy or girl before. I have liked and lusted but never was truly in love. I can say I came quite close with one guy though, and I think about him and often wonder if maybe I missed the boat, that maybe he was the one.



We actually met at church, he was a good little church boy and I was a purple haired; skull wearing, lime green tights, punk. And I never thought I would have a chance with him, he later told me he felt the same way. He was gorgeous, he could have been a model if he wanted to, blonde hair and blue eyes and he stood over 6' tall and he was a gentleman. After nearly a year of liking each other and attempting to hide it from each other we finally went out. We would spend hours walking around the town together, he was a welcome reprieve from the groping immature guys that I had dated before. Always the gentleman he refused to let me open a door for him, he would reach above me, hold the door then push me in lol.



We didn't share our first kiss until months into our relationship, it actually happened in the rain at 2am. And I have never been kissed even to this day like he would kiss me. I was his first girlfriend but he seemed to know how to do everything. In fact he was the first person to bite me, after trying on some new perfume he leaned over to smell my neck and bit the space between my shoulder and my neck. I melted. But when ever we were making out or kissing and he would try to push me further and I would back away, he would get angry. Telling me that I should know better and to not tempt him and be a slut. I know he was having issues with being sexually attracted to me and knowing that he shouldn't be as he was a good church boy. Eventually I got sick of it and gave up on him.



I hooked up with an ex of mine and regretted every moment of it. After being tempted by Will and never going any further I was sure that I wanted more. And lost my virginity to an old ex. Will and I actually became friends again after a year had passed and I guess confusion on my part I thought he wanted to date again. And even though he didn't want to be with me again, he couldn't hurt my feelings by telling me no. After a repeat of a make out session then being lectured, I angrily said some mean things. And after a fight he walked out, I stood sobbing outside his truck begging him to love me and not leave...



He just looked at me and got in his truck and drove away.

Its been over two years since then and we have been able to become friends. We laugh and joke and flirt with each other. During the summer we even went to the Zoo together, and being together again was just amazing. It was like it used to be between, without a computer screen or 100kms separating us we were just us again. We joked and laughed and poked each other he pushed me around like he always used to. And then I drove home and it never evolved, in fact it went back to the occasional text at best.

I have dreams about him all the time where I tell him I still care for him, but I would never make the first move again. Every time I think about attempting it, I remember the night I stood by myself sobbing as he drove away. If he ever wanted me again I'd jump in a heart beat, but until then I'll stay right here where its safe.

To be owned again?

I am part of a website that I am sure many of you know, called AFF.com. I have found many different types of people on there. I find I can be more open and free about what I am looking for then on a normal dating site. I have actually met more normal guys on there looking for a relationship then any other dating website. I met my first couple there and others. It is very hit and miss though this site, there are way to many 54 yr old men that send me messages wanting to sleep with me when I am not looking for someone over 30.

Last night I came upon a couple that lives not to far from me which is unusual because I'm out in the middle of no where lol. I thought that they seemed great, a 25 yr old couple looking for a pet he is dominant and she is a switch. I could not come up with a good message so I traveled on from their page, to my happy surprise they sent me a message. We talked and chatted on msn for quite a while and we got along really well. But I have this nagging voice asking if I want to go down this road again.

It will be a year at the end of the month since I was owned by Dia and her husband. Things went really well until the end as she became quite mean and happened to tell everyone in a bar that I was a sex slave and that I would be sleeping at the end of the bed that night because I refused to lick the bottom of her dirty shoe.(have you ever seen the floor of a bar ewwww...)

I did become friends with another couple but they never did own me, we met for a fun night a time or two but that's it. So I am terrified now that I am faced with a chance of being a pet again. I know I miss the discipline and the control and the sex but do I want to be that person again. I would love to meet a guy that I could have a kinky relationship with and I find it hard to say on a date oh by the way I am owned by a couple so we cant have sex unless they say so. That being said there is nothing wrong with being a pet of a couple, heck I loved it. But I don't know if that's what I am looking for in my life right now. I am a very open person and to not be able to tell my father and family about things is hard. How do I say we met and how do I explain all the time we seem to spend together.

I don't want to become friends with this couple and turn them down or back out at the last minute. Ugh why does life have to be so confusing.